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When anyone talks about creating daily habits that aren’t natural, I think of conditioning and Pavlov’s dog.

Recently I bought an African butterfly fish. Having not seen it open its mouth before I thought it unusual and quite beautiful. But if you’ve seen the African butterfly fish open its mouth and you concentrate on the mouth, you wouldn’t be blamed for calling it ugly and even scary.

The same day I bought the African butterfly fish (photo source: National History Museum), I bought 4 hatchets the size of flakes. If you’re a tropical fish enthusiast, you’d probably think I’m masochistic but honestly, I didn’t realize that the hatchet is the perfect prey for the African butterfly fish. You can tell I’m a novice. Still, I know it’s no excuse.

Be assured that the hatchets are fine – I count them every day and they were all there last night. My butterfly fish is scared of them me thinks.

My African butterfly fish is a lazy feeder.  Either that or he’s really shy.  It will not move a millimetre for food. It will only take flakes floating directly above its mouth. I’ve read it will chase insects, flies, crickets and live food but I’ve not yet fed the fish live food (other than daphnia) so I can’t say – it’s hard to find flies in Spring nevermind catch them without spraying them with chemicals.

Because the fish is a predator and will eat any other fish that would fit in its mouth, I’ve been feeding it flakes, conditioning it to not get scared when my hand looms from above to drop the flake and wave the current to get the flake as close to its mouth as possible.

I’m conditioning it to eat flakes and get used to being fed. I feed it and worry about feeding it more because I fear if it’s not fed, it would eat the other fish in the tank.

I wish I could be like that with my writing.

How can I condition myself when it comes to writing? Do I have to have the threat of death? I don’t want that.  No one can handle the threat of constant death.

But sometimes, I think it is the thought of loss that creates a massive drive.

What would I lose if I didn’t write?

What would you lose?

I’m discovering that I have to find another way around finding time and energy to write, and still earn enough money to live like everyone else. To do that I need to train and do something else that will earn me more money than I’m earning now. So I’m training to be a programmer – focusing initially on java programming.

Someone asked me why programming. This is how I answered. Being an actor appeals to the playful side in me. I’m ‘resting’ right now finding the British film and TV industry both limited and limiting. Office work appeals to the stationery fetish and organizing OCD side in me and programming would appeal to the geeky techy side in me.

I realized when designing websites on Dreamweaver that I have a geeky side that gets a bit OCD about creating something, finding the most efficient way to do something and fixing a problem.

What is it that I want to achieve?

To experience something new – which is great when you’re a writer – the more experience you have, the more you can write about and for me new experiences are what keeps life fresh and exciting.

But mostly, to earn more means that I can take time off if I want to and this hopefully will give me more energy to write. Energy – that’s what I don’t have enough of.

Funnily enough, ever since I decided to take this step, my energy level has increased. I think  it’s psychological – it’s not because I’m eating or exercising more – I think it’s because for the first time in a long time, I don’t feel that this rut is here to stay, that I may not be doing exactly what I want (earn money writing novels), I can try get there another way.

Sometimes, especially when you get to your thirties, you’re probably experienced and paid well in a particular job that you found yourself doing for years – then you decide to pursue something different. Unless you want to live like a student again, the transition from old job to new job may require a balancing act of accepting what you have and how to make it happen. This is where I am and have been – trying to find a bridge from one to another.

Are you finding it difficult to pursue your dreams?

What’s in the way?

Can you see a path around it or a bridge over it?