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Why is rejection worse for writers? Let me explain. I’m not at the point of querying agents so I’ve not received any rejection notes yet. So what am I talking about? How can I know anything about rejection? After years of rejection as an actress, I thought I had the thick skin to deal with any type of rejection. But the writer, author, novelist has it worse. As a writer you have to build your platform and have to go out and reach out to people – it is worse than being a rejected actress.

Why is rejection worse for the many of us who are just starting out?

We don’t even have the excuse of being eccentric recluses any more. Why do musicians and actors get to be the odd balls? Oh yeah, I’m an actor. I’m not an oddball. Oh sometimes, only when I don’t sleep. Anywaaaaay. So you’re supposed to build this writer platform everyone is going on about – like it or not – if you’re serious you’ve got to. Okay. If we must. And this is before you even get an agent. You see, as an actress, even without an agent, after an audition if you don’t hear from the casting director you didn’t get the part so I’ve learnt to move on. An audition happens and you’re not hanging around to feel more of the rejection. The waiting usually takes a week and it’s done. You just assume you didn’t get it or they’d be phoning you, right? When you have the agent, it helps because the agent becomes the buffer to the rejections. You don’t get to hear ‘she’s not thin enough’, ‘she’s not pretty enough’ and ‘he’s too short’ etc. Your agent would never tell you that because it’s not something you can change and only make you not get out of bed for a week.

As an aspiring author, you don’t have that buffer – but you’re still suppose to go out there and mingle, totally clueless at the start – well, I am. You are too, admit it. Even if you’ve read all the industry journals, books, blogs, news, trends etc, in the end, remember you are interacting with real people. Like you and me, they’re not perfect. They’ll reject you if they think you’re too keen or not keen enough – and that’s based on what they think is ‘normal’ in their head and everyone’s scale is different here. We’re human. We do exactly the same thing.

Writers are naturally introverted having to live in their own heads most of the time. I’m not saying we’re all anti-social or misfits. I can be sociable but I can also be solitary. To be writers, we must have that natural capacity for solitude and society teaches how to socialize. But when we’re writing, we go away to another world and it may take a kick to get us back once we’re there or vice versa. But once we’re on one side; we’re okay. It’s the running back and forth that needs the work, not when you’re actually there. It’s that feeling of being snug in bed and forcing yourself to get out of bed in the mornings. But once you’ve got coffee in hand, you’re okay. We just need that kick sometimes.

So we make the effort to reach out. First we come out and tell those close to us. Then we tell the world – because we have to build this platform, right?

First, rejection can come from people who are close to us. Surprisingly but it can happen. Some people are used to us being around all the time and don’t like the sudden change or the person we are becoming. Less sociable. Less flexible. We have to write, right? And to do that, we naturally become less sociable and less flexible. That means we can’t be doing something else at the same time. So we think we can go to the pub and scribble while our friends order us beer? If you can, I admire you. Really? Truthfully? Perhaps we’re confronted with questions such as: ‘does that mean we can’t buy that flat we planned to this year because you’re working less?’ or ‘when am I going to see you?’.

It hurts when someone close rejects you and your dreams, telling you you’re not cut out for it, that you need all the luck you can get based on a snippet of work you let them read (before editing because you trust them, right?). What do you do then? What would you do?

Second, rejection can come from people you don’t even know. At a party where you can see faces, see people’s expressions at least you’d know by instinct who doesn’t want you to strike up a conversation with them (you stay clear of them – perhaps they’re having a bad day, whatever, but you’re not their solution) and those who would be open to one (they’re the ones smiling at you).

But nowadays, a lot of our interaction is online. We can’t see faces. We just see a friendly photo or avatar or the number of the friends or followers. We say hello to someone. They might just not respond. For instance, we’ve tried that on Twitter, right? Sometimes some people respond; sometimes they don’t. If the person is not a celebrity but has over 5000 followers who are communicating with them; then it’s understandable they can’t respond to everyone or they end up spamming the Twitter board and having no other job. We understand that.

What about a forum full of people, writers like ourselves, veterans and new-comers? We sign up and we pluck up the courage to say something, ask something and we might find our questions, comments and observations were totally ignored. We wonder to ourselves if we’ve done something wrong and feel like a leper. It could feel like being in the playground again at school and being the new kid. As we do more interaction online, rejection becomes something we’ve got to be able to deal with it seems if you want to stay in this business.

Sure, no one can stop that initial pang of hurt, the rejection intended or not. Trust me, we’re going to get more of this writer friend. Even if you’re a published writer giving speeches; you’re still worried that just one person will turn up and if people do, you’re worried they’re just coming in to get out of the rain. Even the big bestsellers fear that their next book may get them booed off the stage.

So how do we writers deal with rejection? Just remember:

• EVEN THE FAMOUS were ridiculed and rejected: this link inspires showing how the famous got rejected and they still kept going to achieving their full potential. If they gave up, rolled up defeated, would you know them now?
• SELECTION OF THE FRIENDLIEST. Writer friend, there are millions upon millions of people in this world. You don’t have all the energy and time for everyone. This is nature’s way of helping you be selective. Say hello, sit back and relax and nature will select for you. If people do not like you for you or just don’t want to talk to you for no reason other than they’re too busy communicating with many of the millions out there; don’t waste your time on them; there are people out there who want to be your friend – because you’re great – yes believe it. If you say hello, these people will naturally find you. Don’t sweat. There are so many others on Twitter, there are other forums and if someone didn’t approve your friend request on Facebook, there are others. It’s like dating. There is either a spark or not. If one of you is not feeling it for whatever reason. Don’t fuss. Just walk away. Because sure enough, one day you will be the one who is not feeling it or not wanting that connection and you hope to God the other person will not make a fuss and just walk away.
• THE ONLY ONE TO DEFINE YOU IS YOU. Do not define your SELF on the approval of other people. You, my writer friend, are enough and more. You do not need validation from outside. You have that right just by being alive. You keep your spine strong not from being popular or being the way people expect you to be but being yourself. A self you’re already proud of. Not from the external but internally. Keep your spine strong with your own truth, your own integrity. Do not be sheep and just follow. Do not be afraid of your voice, your thoughts and having your own stance. No one has the right to tell you what you’re worth.
• DON’T LET PEOPLE POO IN YOUR BACK YARD. Your spine is yours to take care of. Your spine is what keeps you up. Your spine is the structure of your house. People who do not believe in you or belittle you or do not respect you should not be able to break that spine. Or be it be able to poo in your back yard. Writer friend, I won’t let dogs poo in my back yard, nevermind people. Of course, life has it that someone will and it can be upsetting and a mess to clear up but do not let them do it again. That said, do not poo in someone else’s back yard either. Oh, and this is not because I want to get chummy with them but it’s the truth – agents, editors, publishers – the legit professional ones do not poo in your back yard. It’s business; they are your information centres where you read on how things work and they facilitate.
• IT’S THE CHEMISTRY. And chemistry is something no one can control. Don’t dwell on the person who has rejected you. In dating, remember the time when you were crazy for someone but they weren’t crazy for you? And then there’s that person who was crazy for you but you just couldn’t muster up the enthusiasm no matter how much you tried? Well, that’s the same with friendships and any other relationship. If you didn’t feel passionate about someone, could you force yourself? No? Then when that agent, publisher or editor rejects your manuscript – there just wasn’t the chemistry. Don’t make a fuss. Don’t stalk. Just walk away. Walking away is especially true when it comes to receiving a form rejection or any other type of rejection from an agent. Please read agent Janet Reid’s advice to writers to prevent your email being targeted by her mouse on a delete mission. Not because she’s not the friendliest – I don’t know her so I can’t say but anyone who gives you free quality information like she does is pretty cool – but because of the amount of emails she already gets. So remember just walk away.
• ACCEPT IT AND LET IT GO. When you’re feeling the hurt, if you want to cry, do it. Accept that it’s there. Let it have its few minutes or a few hours of fame. Naturally you’ll feel sorry for yourself. Allow it. Someone just threw a stone and broke your window, accidental or not, it would bother you. Then when the crying has stopped. Take that brick outside, don’t dump it in the back yard – you don’t want to see that again, right? Open that back yard gate. Hey, as it’s imaginary have the biggest back yard you want. Throw out the brick. Make sure you don’t hurt anyone. We don’t want war. Go back in and clear the mess. And since we’re in fantasy land, magic up a new window. With the same magic, magic away that person who threw that brick away from your back yard. They can play somewhere else. Without you. Because your life is good without them. Who upset you? You’ve forgotten. You’ve moved on saying ‘see ya later’. You’re in another town now.
• WRITE ABOUT IT. And try to be nice. Name no names – it’s just polite. Literary rejections on display is one such blog showing ‘a vast public collection of real-life rejection’. And the rules are set out on the side bar – try to be nice even when you feel like tearing at someone’s throat. Get creative. Write it. Paint it. Draw it. Be the artist taking poo and making it into art. Second thoughts – throw the poo away and just create. I don’t like poo. Do you like poo? Okay, throw it away. Create.
• GO AND SAY HELLO to someone else. I know that’s the last thing you want to do. Still feeling a bit vulnerable? Take some time out and be with yourself. Watch a film. Read a book. Give yourself a break. Then when you’re strong again, go out and say hello to someone new. Don’t attach the action of saying hello to an expected response. Don’t expect it. Not online where everyone is deceptively anonymous and you could be talking to a 12 year old boy in Eskimo land. Do it and move on. If someone is interested in having a conversation or a chat they’ll let you know. Otherwise, you did your part. You’re online, meeting people from around the world, all with different ways of interacting so the best thing to do is not even think about it and not assume the reasons why someone didn’t say hello back. Perhaps they’re from a tribe that thinks talking to anyone is just plain rude. You never know right? Say hello and move on. Some will say hello. Some won’t. Don’t take it personally. With strangers it can never be personal. How they react to you is to do with them, not you. They don’t even know you. Get it? No? Read above again. Remember we are fabulous my writer friend and we like ourselves just the way we are. Rejection is not failure but a filter. Concentrate on what’s good. Let’s go for a drink.

[pic taken from Inkygirl.com]

Note: this category is called ‘The Snakes’ as in everything in life, there are The Snakes that will try and take you down if you let them. To be positive as well, I have a category called ‘The Ladders’ – these are the lucky chances. Don’t let The Snakes get you down.

“You must constantly ask yourself these questions: Who am I around? What are they doing to me? What have they got me reading? What have they got me saying? Where do they have me going? What do they have me thinking? And most important, what do they have me becoming? Then ask yourself the big question: Is that okay? Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change.” Jim Rohn – Author and Speaker

CURRENT STATUS: Reminder, Motivator and Daily Review Meeting (Read on if you want to join me in my Corporation of One meeting)

What l learnt today:

• Got feedback from a person kind enough to give suggestions about my blog design so I’m thinking about it. Thanks Alyssa. Again I really appreciate it.
• I need a plan. It feels as though there’s so much to do. I need to separate them into departments with individual strategies. Setting it down means committing. It’s nearly July and I need at least a 6 months plan. Need to go through Christina Katz’s book again whilst planning. Some things I can try; some seem harder. I remember a scene from a film – I can’t remember the title – but it was a person who when they had to think they would conjure up the imaginary figures of people they wanted to be sitting on the table to help them think things through. I remember one of the figures they conjured up was Albert Einstein. In my Corporation of One, I will imagine ‘colleagues’ in the various departments eg marketing, admin, corporate strategy, creative writers, blog writers, finance, health and fitness etc. I’m a writer; I’m allowed to imagine.
• Realized my audience and my angle. It was only after reading Christina Katz’s book that I realized that I do have skills in my past that I could use on my blog. For instance; I’m an actress, I taught English Literature to 13-20 year olds for 10 years part-time; I have an MBA in marketing; I have a BA Hons Literary degree; I’ve dabbled with Internet marketing; so I’m not totally clueless about everything. Yeah, I’m bigging myself up. Bigging up Department is cheering me on.
• Publicity is a year-round event; and there is a good time and there is a slightly harder time to get your book launched or story out.
• Another cool and fun way of getting my head around writing a 25 word summary of my plot at www.superheronation.com.

What I have done today:

• Finished skim reading ‘Get Known Before the Book Deal’ by Christina Katz.
• Looked for Dreamweaver templates for my website. Still not found one I like.
• I responded to the guest blogger I told you about the other day. He wrote back and the man from Ohio said yes! (yeah, I had to check on his blog where he is based. I’m not stalking; it’s called research) I emailed him some interview questions. His book is coming out in September, 7th to be exact; and he would like me to publish my interview post in late August or September. Yeah! I’m excited. My first interview with a guest blogger who happens to have lots of experience. Yeah! I dare not name him yet. Once I get the answers in and the photos for his book launch, then I will. Then it’s definitely confirmed. So excited. Imagine me jigging to music. I think I’ll have a Happy Department consisting of a band, music, dancers and sweet smelling flowers.

WORD COUNT: Night Walker 121,000 in total; Tuesday 29 June 1000 words.